Orwell George

for his present purpose. He dipped the pen into the ink and
then faltered for just a second. A tremor had gone through his
bowels. To mark the paper was the decisive act. In small clumsy
letters he wrote:

April 4th, 1984.

He sat back. A sense of complete helplessness had
descended upon him. To begin with, he did not know with any
certainty that this was 1984. It must be round about that date,
since he was fairly sure that his age was thirty-nine, and he
believed that he had been born in 1944 or 1945; but it was
never possible nowadays to pin down any date within a year or
two.
For whom, it suddenly occurred to him to wonder, was he
writing this diary? For the future, for the unborn. His mind
hovered for a moment round the doubtful date on the page, and
then fetched up with a bump against the Newspeak word
doublethink. For the first time the magnitude of what he
had undertaken came home to him. How could you communicate with
the future? It was of its nature impossible. Either the future
would resemble the present, in which case it would not listen
to him: or it would be different from it, and his predicament
would be meaningless.
For some time he sat gazing stupidly at the paper. The
telescreen had changed over to strident military music. It was
curious that he seemed not merely to have lost the power of
expressing himself, but even to have forgotten what it was that
he had originally intended to say. For weeks past he had been
making ready for this moment, and it had never crossed his mind
that anything would be needed except courage. The actual
writing would be easy. All he had to do was to transfer to
paper the interminable restless monologue that had been running
inside his head, literally for years. At this moment, however,
even the monologue had dried up. Moreover his varicose ulcer
had begun itching unbearably. He dared not scratch it, because
if he did so it always became inflamed. The seconds were
ticking by. He was conscious of nothing except the blankness of
the page in front of him, the itching of the skin above his
ankle, the blaring of the music, and a slight booziness caused
by the gin.
Suddenly he began writing in sheer panic, only imperfectly
aware of what he was setting down. His small but childish
handwriting straggled up and down the page, shedding first its
capital letters and finally even its full stops:

April 4th, 1984. Last night to the flicks. All war
films. One very good one of a ship full of refugees being
bombed somewhere in the Mediterranean. Audience much amused by
shots of a great huge fat man trying to swim away with a
helicopter after him, first you saw him wallowing along in the
water like a porpoise, then you saw him through the helicopters
gunsights, then he was full of holes and the sea round him
turned pink and he sank as suddenly as though the holes had let
in the water, audience shouting with laughter when he sank.
then you saw a lifeboat full of children with a helicopter
hovering over it. there was a middle-aged woman might have been
a jewess sitting up in the bow with a little boy about three
years old in her arms. little boy screaming with fright and
hiding his head between her breasts as if he was trying to
burrow right into her and the woman putting her arms round him
and comforting him although she was blue with fright herself,
all the time covering him up as much as possible as if she
thought her arms could keep the bullets off him. then the
helicopter planted a 20 kilo bomb in among them terrific flash
and the boat went all to matchwood. then there was a wonderful
shot of a child`s arm going up up up right up into the air a
helicopter with a camera in its nose must have followed it up
and there was a lot of applause from the party seats but a
woman down in the prole part of the house suddenly started
kicking up a fuss and shouting they didnt oughter of showed it
not in front of kids they didnt it aint right not in front of
kids it aint until the police turned her turned her out i dont
suppose anything happened to her nobody cares what the proles
say typical prole reaction they never

Winston stopped writing, partly because he was suffering
from cramp. He did not know what had made him pour out this
stream of rubbish. But the curious thing was that while he was
doing so a totally different memory had clarified itself in his
mind, to the point where he almost felt equal to writing it
down. It was, he now realized, because of this other incident
that he had suddenly decided to come home and begin the diary
today.
It had happened that morning at the Ministry, if anything
so nebulous could be said to happen.
It was nearly eleven hundred, and in the Records
Department, where Winston worked, they were dragging the chairs
out of the cubicles and grouping them in the centre of the hall
opposite the big telescreen, in preparation for the Two Minutes
Hate. Winston was just taking his place in one of the middle
rows when two people whom he knew by sight, but had never
spoken to, came unexpectedly into the room. One of them was a
girl whom he often passed in the corridors. He did not know her
name, but he knew that she worked in the Fiction Department.
Presumably -- since he had sometimes seen her with oily hands
and carrying a spanner she had some mechanical job on one of
the novel-writing machines. She was a bold-looking girl, of
about twenty- seven, with thick hair, a freckled face, and
swift, athletic movements. A narrow scarlet sash, emblem of the

Orwell George - 1984