Набоков Владимир - Conversation Piece, 1945

"Werner Bros. Chicago" and smelled of another man`s hairbrush
and hair lotion. It could not belong to Colonel Melnikov, who
was as bald "as a bowling ball, and I assumed that Mrs. Hall`s
husband was either dead or kept his hats in another place. It
was a disgusting object to carry about, but the night was rainy
and cold, and I used the thing as a kind of rudimentary
umbrella. As soon as I got home, I started writing a letter to
the Federal Bureau of Investigation, but did not get very far.
My inability to catch and retain names seriously impaired the
quality of the information I was trying to impart, and since I
had to explain my presence at the meeting, a lot of diffuse and
vaguely suspicious matter concerning my own namesake had to be
dragged in. Worst of all, the whole affair assumed a dreamlike,
grotesque aspect when related in detail, whereas all I really
had to say was that a person from some unknown address in the
Middle West, a person whose name I did not even know, had been
talking sympathetically about the German people to a group of
silly old women in a private house. Indeed, judging by the
expression of that same sympathy continuously cropping up in
the writings of certain well-known columnists, the whole thing
might be perfectly legal, for all I knew.
Early the next morning I opened the door in answer to a
ring, and there was Dr. Shoe, bareheaded, raincoated, silently
offering me my hat, with a cautious half-smile on his
blue-and-pink face. I took the hat and mumbled some thanks.
This he mistook for an invitation to come in. I could not
remember where I had put his fedora, and the feverish search I
had to conduct, more or less in his presence, soon became
ludicrous.
"Look here," I said. "I shall mail, I shall send, I shall
forward you that hat when I find it, or a check, if I don`t."
"But I`m leaving this afternoon," he said gently, "and
moreover, I would like to have a little explanation of the
strange remark you addressed to my very dear friend Mrs. Hall."
He waited patiently while I tried to tell him as neatly as
I could that the police, the authorities, would explain that to
her.
"You do not understand," he said at length. "Mrs. Hall is
a very well-known society lady and has numerous connections in
official circles. Thank God we live in a great country, where
everybody can speak his mind without being insulted for
expressing a private opinion."
I told him to go away.
When my final splutter had petered out, he said, "I go
away, but please remember, in this country-- " and he shook his
bent finger at me sidewise, German fashion, in facetious
reproof.
Before I could decide where to hit him, he had glided out.
I was trembling all over. My inefficiency, which at times has
amused me and even pleased me in a subtle way, now
appeared atrocious and base. All of a sudden I caught sight of
Dr. Shoe`s hat on a heap of old magazines under the little
telephone table in my hall. I hurried to a front window, opened
it, and, as Dr. Shoe emerged four stories below, tossed the hat
in his direction. It described a parabola and made a pancake
landing in the middle of the street. There it turned a
somersault, missed a puddle by a matter of inches, and lay
gaping, wrong side up. Dr. Shoe, without looking up, waved his
hand in acknowledgment, retrieved the hat, satisfied himself
that it was not too muddy, put it on, and walked away, jauntily
wiggling his hips. I have often wondered why is it that a thin
German always manages to look so plump behind when wearing a
raincoat.
All that remains to be told is that a week later I
received a letter the peculiar Russian of which can hardly be
appreciated in translation. "Esteemed Sir," it read.
"You have been pursuing me all my life. Good, friends of
mine, after reading your books, have turned, away from me
thinking that I was the author of those deprayed,, decadent
writings. In 1941, and again in 1943, I was arrested in trance
by the Germans for things I never had. said or thought. Now in
America, not content with having caused me all sorts of
troubles in other countries, you have the arrogance to
impersonate me and to appear in a drunken condition at the
house of a highly respected person. This I will not tolerate. I
could have you jailed and branded as an impostor, but I suppose
you would not like that, and, so I suggest that by way of
indemnity. . . " The sum he demanded was really a most
modest one.